Heavy & Happy?

Body image









They’re all words that are in our every day vernacular.

But for many of us, they all have a much deeper meaning.

And for a lot of us, all of these words are just crazy-making and have been for our whole lives.

In my teens, 20s & 30s, I gave a majority of my energy, my precious mental energy, to thinking about how fat I was and how I could quickly get skinny.

This mama (me) spent this particular weekend away feeling fat & miserable. Feels like such a waste of energy now. 😦

Good times.

Now, in my 40s, I would LOVE to be as ‘fat’ as I thought I was!

I have put on weight.

I am carrying extra weight.

But for the first time in my life, I do not give it a lot of mental energy.

And when I do – because I do out of habit, a lifetime of habit – I shift myself away from these thoughts.

My precious mental energy, my spirit & my life deserve so much more.

I found that over the past few year that any time I would decide to ‘diet’ or radically change my diet (read: restrict), I would become so cranky. So irritable. And kinda nasty to those I love.

My spirit cried out. ‘Oh girlfriend, not again with this!!!’

So I stopped. Stopped thinking about dieting, losing weight and being ‘thin.’

And whenever I did, I just shifted my thoughts.

AWAY AWAY AWAY from ‘You are fat’ type of thoughts.

I have allowed myself to eat whatever I want.

Whenever I want.

And guess what?

I have gained weight.

And while this is not the best thing ever, or the most surprising thing ever, I don’t worry too much about it.


Because I cannot remember the last time I binged.

I did a lot of binge-before-dieting type behavior and that has added to my weight gain.

Now I rarely feel ‘sick’ after eating.

I used to eat A LOT because I knew I would be dieting, fasting or cleansing soon. Knew that soon I would be cutting all the horrible things out of my diet so I constantly overate as if I was in a panic. Exhausting, I tell ya.

And I’d feel very stuffed & bloated all the time. And I felt ‘sick’ so no wonder I felt the need to fast, cleanse, take a break from ‘bad’ foods.

I hardly ever do now.

I used to eat a TON of pasta because I knew that I ‘shouldn’t’ and would be cutting it out of my diet ASAP.

I love pasta and eat it now, occasionally. Some weeks more than others but I do not crave it like crazy like before.

I used to go out to eat to ‘treat’ myself before the big restriction was coming and I had a favorite place that included a very large meal & boozy drinks that I would have (read: stuff madly into my pie hole).

I can’t remember the last time I did that.

So while I am carrying extra weight, I am mentally lighter.

I am less stressed and less crabby around this stuff.

I eat well, often quite ‘healthy.’

My goal is to completely trust that my physical being will catch up with my spiritual & mental lightness and I will be able to achieve a weight that is perfect for me and do this easily.

And the more I focus on creating a mindset that is positive & full of possibility, ease, miracles & fun the more easy it is to make good decisions for myself. It has really works wonder. My mindset has become my biggest asset – ass size be damned! 😉

But seriously, I have stopped gaining weight and whilst I’m at a plateau, I feel good.

My spirit, my soul & my personality love variety, experiences, freedom & fun. Eating a restrictive diet of ANY kind, I have now learned (slowly but surely), makes me a complete nutbag, a bitch & a sad sack. Just a big ole sack o’ sad. I KNOW how to eat well. I KNOW I can eat what I want in a normal capacity especially if I’m not feeling like a crazed animal locked in a cage (cuz then I eat everything in sight). I love things like green juice, smoothies, salads & all kinds of healthy foods. But I crave variety & freedom so the thought of ONLY eating these foods does my spirit no. good. I am learning to trust myself and out of that trust has come a much more balanced way of eating. And that feels good.

I recently joined a gym. To keep my body moving through our chilly (although not lately!) New England winter. No big goals. No stressful goals. Just movement. Keeping moving is so important, mostly because it feels good!


So heavy & happy?

Yup, pretty much!

And yup, I have to continually remind myself that while I could easily lose weight fast with a very restrictive diet & lots of exercise, I want to be in a place where I do not have to do that. I want to enjoy life, experience everything. Not worry about what I am eating. And as I slowly but surely trust myself & know that it’s all coming together because I FEEL so much better mentally, I will get to a place of balance – body, mind & spirit.

Patience, trust, gratitude.

That’s where it’s at.

That’s where I’m at (or at least shift to when I’m not). Some days/weeks go better than others but after a lifetime of this, it takes time to not to think the thoughts you always have. Patience, I remind myself, patience. And remembering how good I feel, how ‘light’ my mind feels is so very important!

I hope that wherever you are in your journey to making peace with yourself (if you have to like I do), that you are patient, kind, trusting & feeling grateful for the awesome & strong person you are.

Because you really are.

Yes. You.





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The Surrender Experiment

I’m not that great at reviews so I’ll get right to the point.



Honestly, I believe it’s changed my life.

It’s a memoir, one man’s journey…to himself.

It’s a FASCINATING read.

I don’t think everyone will get the same thing out of reading it. I don’t believe it will speak to everyone. It’ll have a different message for everyone.

Mine was/IS:




I’m a very controlling person so I say NO to a lot of things because I want control everything. I often hold an energy of ‘YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO.’ Even if it’s a really fucking good idea, I’ll just say NO just to say NO! I’m kind of a brat but this has also been a defense mechanism, protecting me from things I feel I need protection from. So this works sometimes. Sometimes it’s appropriate to say NO. But I no longer feel I need to protect myself. So when I read this book and the author, Michael Singer’s, experience saying YES to everything that showed up in his life, I was BLOWN AWAY (there are lots of other points to the book but this is one of the main ones). I think it spoke to me so much, and on a deep soul level, because it’s time I trust. Fully trust. And say YES. TO MY LIFE. (for fuck’s sake. finally say YES to my life!!)

Since I’ve started saying YES, things have been flowing better than I could’ve ever imagined. I even said YES recently to something and then something else came on my radar. So I said YES to that. Hilariously it was something I had previously said NO to. Ah, but the Universe knows better! It was perfect. Everything flowed just perfectly. The Universe gave me EXACTLY what I needed. The first thing I said YES to was a very benign thing and it didn’t matter that I said YES to something else, I would not have said YES to thing 2 if it would’ve (just wanted to clarify, I’m not haphazardly saying YES and not being mindful of my actions).

Like I said, I don’t think everyone will get the same message out of this book but the story of Michael’s life is amazing and I think most of us could benefit from whatever message is pulled out. Or in my case, JUMPED OUT AND SLAPPED ME IN DA FACE. 😀

Michael also wrote The Untethered Soul, which I’m reading now. It’s good stuff as well.

Have you read it? Tell us what you thought of it!

Are you going to read it? Awesome! You should.

Any amazing books like this you can recommend? I’d love to hear and I’m sure others would as well.

The next book I want to read is Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert who wrote Eat. Pray. Love.

Feel free to share your recommendations.



Fitness Friday: I went to Mass this morning

Today is Fitness Friday!

The emphasis today is on fitness but not the fitness we always think of – body fitness.

And of course, without a doubt, that is important.

But what about mind fitness? We address that usually on Mindset Mondays 😀

Soul fitness? Spirit fitness?

How can we make sure our spirits and souls are fit as well.?

This is a hugely individual thing. It means different things to different people and what ones ‘fitness’ is around this varies hugely as well.

And I am here to encourage you to up your soul fitness – your way.

Here is a bit of my journey…

I live near a big, beautiful Catholic church.

photo (1)

I actually grew up here too so spent most of my life driving passed it.

For the past few years I have wanted to go inside.

I was baptized when I was a baby and would go to church with my Italian Grandmothers on occasion when I was little but that was about it for my religious experience.

About ten years ago, I wanted to grow my spirituality and find a place to do so.

Not that one needs a place. Our Divine is everywhere. Some folks feel spirituality in nature, at home, during yoga class, etc.

But I thought it would be great to find a place to go to every week to connect spiritually and that maybe it could become a ritual that even my kids could participate in.

So over the past ten years I have been doing a bit of searching.

Been to a few different kind of churches.

None really spoke to me all that much.

I walked by my local Catholic church the other day and saw that they had a morning mass.

‘I’ll try it!’ I thought.

So this morning I got up early and went to Mass.

I was brought to tears as I sat down, a clear sign that I was connecting with my spirituality. It is really beautiful in there as well. The stained glass alone is enough to bring one to tears.

The priest began.

Sin talk right off the bat which was a big turn off.

And my mind began to ‘wrong’ this.

But then I decided to listen and make my own interpretations.

I thought about the sins against self. How hard we are on ourselves. How heinously we can talk to ourselves. It’s a wonder how we can survive sometimes.

That is a sin for sure.

Then there was a nice talk about Jesus. I dig this guy Jesus and I was happy to hear a story about him.

It was a pretty basic Mass and about a half hour.

I am sure once and awhile I will go back because it felt like a nice way to start the day, connecting to my Divine in a beautiful place that is just a few minutes bike or walk from my home. But it is not the place I connect with the most.

I have found that somewhere else in something called Oneness.

A few years ago, during my searching for more spirituality, I found Oneness. A movement out of India. A friend was hosting a Oneness event and I was excited to check it out.

The minute I sat down I knew I had found my place. I fought back tears for the first half hour. I think my spirit knew life was never going to be the same and it hasn’t been.

I began to attend as many Oneness Events as I could.

But with none close to me, it was hard to do all the time.

I decided to host my own.

Selfishly mostly, so I could create this connection weekly for myself but also so I could share this experience with others.

So every Monday I am going to be hosting a Oneness Blessing.

If you live in the Boston area (or live a little farther and don’t mind traveling a bit) please come!

It is a non-denominational event which really helps you connect further with yourself, the world around you and your own personal Divine.

We begin with guided meditation and then the blessing where most of the Oneness Blessers present give each person a blessing.

It is relaxing, peaceful and such a great way to up your soul fitness.

Please join us!

Every Monday night starting August 4th.

Watertown Healing Center

22 Mount Auburn St.

Watertown Square, MA


Whatever you journey is, whatever you decide to do with your spiritual journey is just that YOURS. Make it your own, enjoy it and know that whether you decide to got to Mass, a Oneness Blessing, the beach or meditate in the woods, your Divine is everywhere and wanting to connect with you – without rules or regulations. Just connection, plain and simple. Wherever you are you CAN connect. Just try, just ask, just trust. 

Happy Fitness Friday!

If you have any spiritual journey experiences you want to share, please do!

Or any ways you think are a great way to connect, I’d love to hear them.

And if you liked this blog post, please share it with others.





Can I grow enough balls to do what I want to do?


It seems as though I am learning a lot lately about myself and about the world and it is coming fast and furious.

I have this great idea for a positive, inspiring, cheer-you-on-to-greatness kind of Facebook page and website.

And I was thinking I would do it anonymously.



Because I do not know if I can stand in positivity all the time.

I do not know if I quite buy into all the self-help bs sometimes.

Can I be me and run a website and a Facebook page that is really all about tapping into the flow of possibility, freedom, love and miracles when sometimes I feel like a raging bitch and wanna run away from my life and myself?

If I get out of my own way and grow a pair, so-to-speak, I probably can.

Maybe it is what I am supposed to do, stand for all of this EVEN WHEN EVERYTHING SUCKS BALLS.

Maybe I just want to write an occasional blog post that says ‘balls’ a lot. 🙂

I am torn between the spirituality and personal growth that is flowy and white and peaceful and so now and the spirituality and personal growth PROCESS that is (or can be) ugly, messy, hard, exhausting, frightening and feeling like it is all a bunch of bullshit.

I really see myself as a leader and I have a lot to say.

Some of it is RIDICULOUSLY sunny and cheerleaderly and you-can-do-it and I love you and 1000% sincere.

And the other part is, OMG life is hard, things are DAAAAAAAAAARK, and all of this rainbows and kittens bs can go fuck itself.

Yup, it’s like that.

So that is why the idea of anonymously running a positivity website feels better than being ‘me’ and standing for all of it but yet being kind of unsure of how I feel about all the details. And the fact that I like to say fuck and balls and shit. All while talking about the Divine and love and miracles and shit!

If you can relate, let me know.

I am considering heading this way for this blog and my own Facebook page with my very own name on it. And I DO actually play with this idea, as you know, if you follow my crazy path all around.

A friend said, what you do, it’s like spirituality with balls or ballsy spirituality!

I liked that a lot.

You know, mostly because she said balls.

But since I am still working out the details, I feel uncomfortable stepping fully forward.


So I thought I’d write this blog post and see what happens.

Thanks for reading and following along!!!



PS Facebook page is here.

PPS I do Angel Card Readings – no bs, straight forward, intuitive guidance that give you the tools to move forward in your life. Don’t stay stuck, contact me to help you!! aemartin4(at)gmail(dot)com

The meatball sub and half bottle of wine

It was around Christmas time last year.

I was out running errands with my two young daughters.

While they were in the backseat singing along to the latest pop song, I was rumination a situation over and OVER in my mind.

One of our errands was to try out some meatballs that I was going to get for Christmas dinner. I wanted to be sure they were yummy, of course, so I stopped at an Italian deli to try theirs. I ordered a meatball sub.

meatball sub

On the way home from getting the meatball sub, my mind kept obsessing about this particular situation.

I stopped to get some wine. I thought a glass would go nice with the meatball sub.

On the way home from the wine stop, my mind really kept going.

To the point of me being in a COMPLETE RAGE over this particular thing.

I pulled into the driveway. Slammed the car into park and told the girls to hurry up and get inside.

I put them in front of the TV. I knew I was struggling and did not want them to see me so upset.

My mind was on FIRE.

I began to clean up in the kitchen. And as my mind raged on, I slammed dishes.

Then I went into the bedroom.  I slammed books to the floor.

To say I was bundled was a complete understatement.

I went back into the kitchen.

While my mind was still STILL ruminating, I inhaled my meatball sub in rage.

I pounded a 1/2 bottle of wine.


Obviously, trying to soothe my soul.

It didn’t work. Heck, I didn’t even get a buzz, my mind burned up all the alcohol with its’ rage.

The mind is very powerful.

I sat there exhausted, horrified, upset, defeated.

How could I let something, something so, in all actuality, small – RUIN ME?

Because my mind was a prison.

And I say WAS because it no longer is.

A few weeks after this, I finally, after a lifetime of being trapped in my mind, surrendered to a myriad of things. Mostly, I surrendered to having no idea what to do anymore but I could not live this way.

Once I surrendered, miracles began to unfold and life began to flow.

It was as astonishing!

I write this today for a few reasons.

One, because I am not perfect. My mind still wants to go back to the hamster wheel, being the victim, ruminating over small things, big things, things that it has no control over, making shit up because it is so fearful of the unknown.

But now I am the observer. I see this happening sometimes and occasionally I even laugh! Thinking, ‘Oh look! This is what has always happened! Silly mind.’

I understand now, more than ever, how my mind likes to work. I am seeing so very clearly the patterns and blocks and some of the ridiculousness (not said in a negative way but seriously, sometimes it is just RIDONKULOUS).

Second, because I want to share with you that I know. I have been there. I, up until quite recently, have struggled quite a bit.

And thirdly, because I want to let you know that the prison that the mind can have us in, the hamster wheel that we can get on (and can’t seem to get off of) can be scary and stressful and defeating and downright fucking ANNOYING.

But I believe from the bottom of my heart that it is not the declaration that ‘this will never happen again!!’ or ‘I can stop this and be better, perfect, not so easily upset etc.’ is the answer. To fight against this or to push this away does no good.

I believe the answer is: SURRENDER. Surrendering to the fact that this is happening.


I surrendered to the fact that my mind was a prison. I surrendered to the fact that I had been doing the SAME thing for 35 years (yup, since I was 8) and I was stuck, seeing the same patterns over and OVER playing out in my life.

I full on gave up.

I did not give up on myself, I gave up the FIGHT against myself.

Can you relate to this?

Can you surrender to anything?

Sometimes we can only surrender to the fact that we CANNOT surrender.

And that is okay. Honestly, it is a start and your soul (where your true self lies) and your divine hear you!

They really do.

Be patient. Keep surrendering.

Please share any comments or anything that resonates with you below.




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Eating ice cream is good for business

What if I were to tell you that eating ice cream has created so much space for me to be who I really am so I can do the work I am here to do.

Would you think I am crazy?

Over the past year I have set my mind free from the prison that it was in.

I set myself and my mind FREE.

I stopped trying to lose weight.

I stopped trying to figure everything out.

I stopped trying to be better and different than I really was.

I began to just ‘be.’

And I began to eat ice cream.

Sometimes I eat a lot of ice cream.

Talenti knows FOR SURE eating ice cream is good for business…theirs!!










And ya know what?

I became more creative.

I began to lose weight.

I began to have a relationship with my Divine.

I began to be more in the flow of life.

The natural flow that is there for all of us.

My business grew and idea after idea flowed to me and from me.

It is not about the ice cream.

It is about you.

What is good for you?


What is your ‘ice cream’?

What can you free yourself from so you can be in the flow?

What can you enjoy more or accept more so your life, and your business, can flow and not be blocked by shoulds and should nots.

Let me know in the comments below.

Where is your freedom and what feels expansive?

Tell me!

That’s an order 🙂



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My Biggest Fear

I was going to write a post this week about what I am eating these days but that gem is just gonna have to wait. And as will you 🙂

I want to talk about what I am afraid of most. 

PicMonkey Collageskeered








A bit over a year ago I took a self-imposed break from all things internet.

Email, facebook, all social media, and general internet ‘browsing.’


All of it!

Even tv (yup, even my beloved The Bold and The Beautiful was not on every day at 1:30pm).

It was hard at first.

I had anxiety and didn’t quite know what to do with myself.

But then, after about three weeks, things came together.

I was fine. 🙂

And a strong message came through.


The message was all about love.

I even painted these:


The message that had come across once I hushed all the external chatter from everywhere was:

Share love

Give love

Be love

Shout about love!

I cried.

I was sad and confused for a bit.

But my soul felt like it had come home.

My soul WANTS to be a cheerleader and a superhero for the forgotten part of US ALL that is a bright shiny light of love and stuff that makes us US.

But I have, since I was little, believed that being my own shiny light or celebrating others bright shiny light was stupid and that I should just be quiet and sit in the corner.

So I am afraid to shine my light.

And worse, I am afraid to champion for you to shine your light.

I am afraid to be called ‘A little Mary Sunshine.’

OMG :::shudder:::

Seriously, I do not want to be considered a Polly Anna or like someone who thinks we all crap rainbows and kittens (wouldn’t that hurt anyway?!?!).

Maybe I made up this lie about not being a shiny light.

Maybe it was taught to me.

Who cares. It does not matter.

Because now…

I am over it.

O-V-E-R IT!!

Because I have been carrying this lie around with me wearing it like a badge for far FAR too long.

So…now, NOW, while I am still afraid….

I am going for it.

I am going to cheerlead and be a superhero for…





I am still afraid but have realized it is time to step into what it is I am here to do.

It is time to get out of my own way.

So I can help you…



There I said it.

I am going to talk about






…and sometimes even talk about THE DIVINE (in us, around us, and how awesome it is and how close it is to all of us). And probably talk about rainbows and kittens cuz rainbows are awesome and kittens are cute.

But also talk about how…

it is sometimes hard to connect with all those things, it can feel like a stretch, too Polly Anna, or that we are not worthy.

BUT I want you to know this…

that when we do connect with love, miracles, the divine, possibility and freedom, or when we just surrender and let ourselves look into that shiny bright part of ourselves (and others)


life begins to flow…

miracles begin to happen…

possibility presents itself…

life feels freer…

love is there…

just as it has always been…

and your light begins to shine as it always has wanted to!

I am here to guide us to that place where we can all shine




Are you in?

Join me!

Let’s all get into that expansive, free, loving, miraculous place where life is full of possibility!

And should you fall (or forget)…

Well, I am here to pick you up.

I am hear to remind you.

You are a bright shiny light that deserves to shine and thrive. 


We are all in it together.


This is my biggest fear.

Saying all this.

Being this way.

Worrying what people will think.

I worry that I cannot uphold this all the time.

I fear upsetting people who think all this talk is bullshit.

I am conscious that I have ‘tried’ to do many other things (hello, acupuncture?? raw food?? psychic?? blogger??) and that some may be wary of this ‘new’ thing. But I know it brings all of my strengths together so I can do the work I am here to do. I know in my heart that this feels like the most expansive thing I have ever done and that I can create this umbrella in which to work under and do all the things I want to do to help others.

So I am putting fear aside.

So I can move forward.

And more importantly…help you do the same!

So I hope you will join me. I have lots coming up so stay tuned!!

With possibility, freedom, love and miracles for all,


Your Head Cheerleader and Superhero for Possibility, Freedom, Love & Miracles

P.S. If this post spoke to you – YAY! Awesome! Please leave a comment to let me know what you think and any of your struggles. ALSO – I am doing a FREE online 30-day class in September called CONNECTION, POSSIBILITY, AND YOU so be sure to sign up for my email updates to be the first to know about the details and to sign up! And head on over to my Facebook page – there is always something fun going on over there! 

Possibility Tour Interview: Oneness Meditator Andy Migner

Spirituality has spoken to me for a long time.

I have wanted to be more spiritual but could not seem to find a place for myself to do so.

Conventional religious institutions did not speak to me.

I felt fine with a lot of the concepts of religion but did not want to dive in and align myself with one particular sector.

I spent a lot of time thinking what it ‘should’ look like and searching through books, seminars etc.

Then I came apon the Oneness Blessing Movement through my friend, Andy Migner, and I knew I had found my place!

When you attend an Oneness Blessing or Oneness Meditation event, you receive Divine love and energy through the blesser or the meditator. This channel of energy is said to create shifts in the receiver so that they begin to become ‘awakened’. Andy speaks of the interchange between the Meditator and a person and how it is a reminding – a reminding to your self, the real true loving you, a reminding of the Divine IN YOU!

I love that!

Awakening is a process which just brings you back to you. Brings you closer to your Divine (the Divine OF YOUR CHOICE!) and helps you begin to feel you have more ‘Oneness’ with the world, the earth, and the people around you.

I always believed that in becoming more spiritual, I would become less of myself.

Less of a spaz, less extroverted, less heavy metal loving, less bad ass. And this made me sad, cranky and not excited to be more spiritual!!

Well, for me, the journey now has been the opposite.

The Oneness Blessings and Meditations that I have received have been amazing.

And have NOT made me less of myself but more of myself which feels WAY more expansive.

I am sometimes WAY more of a spaz.

But I don’t care now, I embrace it more.

I am embracing my extrovertedness and no longer hating that part of myself.

Actually a lot less hating of myself overall!

I love love love heavy metal AND spiritual music! I really love all music and this has become more apparent.

And yup, I feel more bad ass.


And my FAVORITE thing about the Oneness movment?

No rules to follow.

No book to read.

No ‘shoulds’.

Just blessings that help you get back to you.

It is truly amazing I believe.

And I could not wait to share this interview with you.

So I brought my friend and Oneness Meditator, Andy Migner, who has a wonderful way of sharing about the Oneness Blessings and the whole movement.

She shares her experiences and explains all about the movement – it’s origins and it’s intentions.

I share my experiences as well.

I think you will really enjoy this interview!


Here are some links for more info:

General Oneness website:


Oneness USA:


Oneness Massachusetts:


For more info about Andy Migner, visit:


Thank you so much for watching and please feel free to share with friends!



The best way to keep up with more videos like this and the latest and greatest is here:



Less Do-ing, More Be-ing

I had a dream last night that I cannot fully remember but it seems like this was being screamed over and over:


Interesting concept, no?

It really is the opposite of how we all learn to live.

I find that even when I am be-ing, I am thinking about do-ing or what I SHOULD be doing.

So technically I am not really be-ing at all.

It is a fact that we DO have to DO things.

But is our mind always do-ing regardless of what is going on?

Could we spend more time just be-ing?


What are your takes on this concept?

Share in the comments below!





Find out more about the Intuitive Guidance Sessions I am doing here.

The pesky ego (and what to do about it)


My ego is not so cute but that’s okay (keep reading to see how mine shows up).

Over the past, say five to eight years, I have been shifting.

Beautifully shifting to a more peaceful, loving place….well, I’m tryin’ at least.

But my pesky ego is NOT going down without a fight.

Or so I thought….

All the personal growth and spirituality books I read talk about quieting the mind, minding the ego and not listening to those constant, neurotic ways of thinking. And some go on to say, that while you are doing this, beginning to quiet the mind, etc, you will notice the ego desperately clinging to life, trying to stay, trying to survive. Because if you learn to not give the ego so much weight in your everyday life, then, WHO ARE YOU?? The ego does NOT want this to happen. It is very attached to who you are, what you do, what you have done, and all kinds of external things that can define us. If attachment to all of that goes away, then ego does to. The ego is strong and has NO plans on leaving.

I notice this like it is a third limb I have. It will not go away and it is so ever present.

I have always felt there was a need to condemn this ego part of myself. I have hated myself for a LONG LONG time for being selfish, for being self-centered, for being so MEMEMEMEMEMEME. And I have an extraverted personality so my ego seems not only like a third limb but also like a big, puss filled boil that WILL. NOT. GO. AWAY.

In my quest to be more spiritual, to find more peace, I sometimes attempt to rid myself of ego-likeness. Usually in vain (ironically).

The other night, I went to the most amazing event.

It was a Oneness Meditation and Blessing. It was a truly miraculous evening for me. I cannot recommend attending one enough! GO!

Leaving the event, I was so filled with joy, so peaceful, and could not stop laughing (and for no reason at all, it was awesome). When I got home that night and went to bed and began to go into the beginnings of restful sleep, I ‘heard’ this:

‘You are special.’

I was fucking PISSED. So angry. I was so mad at myself and my ego for this thought. ‘You douche!!!’ I yelled this to myself. ‘Really?? After this beautiful event, you want to separate yourself, thinking that YOU are special?? We are all special. Get. It. Together.’ These were my thoughts.

But all of a sudden, my ego appeared to me.

It was a snake, a big, dumb snake. It looked at me, tilted it’s head and gazed at me with a childlike, goofy look. It was comical and silly. But there was also I wanting under it all.


I began to laugh.

Oh my god, I gasped!

My ego needs some attention. It seemed to say ‘tickle me!’ and ‘let’s be silly!’ and ‘no need to be so serious!’

I realized at that moment that I do not need to shun my ego and hate it away or hope it just goes away (that’s never gonna happen no matter how much spiritual work you do). What I need to do is give it some attention, and attention from ME, not from anything outside myself which is what the ego likes to feed itself on.

I need to love my gosh darn ego!

That pesky snake, that kinda vacant minded, childlike ‘thing’ I let run the show far too often?

Well! It is now more of my friend than my foe.

If it comes in and tries to make me separate from others or it lives in judgement-land or it wants to be built up with superficial crap, well, now (as of Thursday night lol), I just laugh at it and give it a little tickle and talk to it as you would a two year old who just made a mess of it’s room. ‘You silly! What kinda silly stuff are you doing?? Let’s put on some music and dance around while we clean this up. I love you!’

Instead of yelling and swearing at it and hating myself for being so awful (and so so very HUMAN).

It was a huge relief, this new awareness, this shift in thinking.

I am hopeful to now be able to not take myself so seriously, not give my thoughts so much attention and know when my pesky little snake ego needs a little tickle.

So notice when your mind begins to judge others, or when it begins to create separation thoughts as mine did, or even when we are always relying on outside things to build us up and make us feel whole.

Does your ego need some attention from you?

Quiet your mind for just a moment and see what you see/hear/think/feel.

Share your experience in the comments below!