Heavy & Happy?

Body image









They’re all words that are in our every day vernacular.

But for many of us, they all have a much deeper meaning.

And for a lot of us, all of these words are just crazy-making and have been for our whole lives.

In my teens, 20s & 30s, I gave a majority of my energy, my precious mental energy, to thinking about how fat I was and how I could quickly get skinny.

This mama (me) spent this particular weekend away feeling fat & miserable. Feels like such a waste of energy now. 😦

Good times.

Now, in my 40s, I would LOVE to be as ‘fat’ as I thought I was!

I have put on weight.

I am carrying extra weight.

But for the first time in my life, I do not give it a lot of mental energy.

And when I do – because I do out of habit, a lifetime of habit – I shift myself away from these thoughts.

My precious mental energy, my spirit & my life deserve so much more.

I found that over the past few year that any time I would decide to ‘diet’ or radically change my diet (read: restrict), I would become so cranky. So irritable. And kinda nasty to those I love.

My spirit cried out. ‘Oh girlfriend, not again with this!!!’

So I stopped. Stopped thinking about dieting, losing weight and being ‘thin.’

And whenever I did, I just shifted my thoughts.

AWAY AWAY AWAY from ‘You are fat’ type of thoughts.

I have allowed myself to eat whatever I want.

Whenever I want.

And guess what?

I have gained weight.

And while this is not the best thing ever, or the most surprising thing ever, I don’t worry too much about it.


Because I cannot remember the last time I binged.

I did a lot of binge-before-dieting type behavior and that has added to my weight gain.

Now I rarely feel ‘sick’ after eating.

I used to eat A LOT because I knew I would be dieting, fasting or cleansing soon. Knew that soon I would be cutting all the horrible things out of my diet so I constantly overate as if I was in a panic. Exhausting, I tell ya.

And I’d feel very stuffed & bloated all the time. And I felt ‘sick’ so no wonder I felt the need to fast, cleanse, take a break from ‘bad’ foods.

I hardly ever do now.

I used to eat a TON of pasta because I knew that I ‘shouldn’t’ and would be cutting it out of my diet ASAP.

I love pasta and eat it now, occasionally. Some weeks more than others but I do not crave it like crazy like before.

I used to go out to eat to ‘treat’ myself before the big restriction was coming and I had a favorite place that included a very large meal & boozy drinks that I would have (read: stuff madly into my pie hole).

I can’t remember the last time I did that.

So while I am carrying extra weight, I am mentally lighter.

I am less stressed and less crabby around this stuff.

I eat well, often quite ‘healthy.’

My goal is to completely trust that my physical being will catch up with my spiritual & mental lightness and I will be able to achieve a weight that is perfect for me and do this easily.

And the more I focus on creating a mindset that is positive & full of possibility, ease, miracles & fun the more easy it is to make good decisions for myself. It has really works wonder. My mindset has become my biggest asset – ass size be damned! 😉

But seriously, I have stopped gaining weight and whilst I’m at a plateau, I feel good.

My spirit, my soul & my personality love variety, experiences, freedom & fun. Eating a restrictive diet of ANY kind, I have now learned (slowly but surely), makes me a complete nutbag, a bitch & a sad sack. Just a big ole sack o’ sad. I KNOW how to eat well. I KNOW I can eat what I want in a normal capacity especially if I’m not feeling like a crazed animal locked in a cage (cuz then I eat everything in sight). I love things like green juice, smoothies, salads & all kinds of healthy foods. But I crave variety & freedom so the thought of ONLY eating these foods does my spirit no. good. I am learning to trust myself and out of that trust has come a much more balanced way of eating. And that feels good.

I recently joined a gym. To keep my body moving through our chilly (although not lately!) New England winter. No big goals. No stressful goals. Just movement. Keeping moving is so important, mostly because it feels good!


So heavy & happy?

Yup, pretty much!

And yup, I have to continually remind myself that while I could easily lose weight fast with a very restrictive diet & lots of exercise, I want to be in a place where I do not have to do that. I want to enjoy life, experience everything. Not worry about what I am eating. And as I slowly but surely trust myself & know that it’s all coming together because I FEEL so much better mentally, I will get to a place of balance – body, mind & spirit.

Patience, trust, gratitude.

That’s where it’s at.

That’s where I’m at (or at least shift to when I’m not). Some days/weeks go better than others but after a lifetime of this, it takes time to not to think the thoughts you always have. Patience, I remind myself, patience. And remembering how good I feel, how ‘light’ my mind feels is so very important!

I hope that wherever you are in your journey to making peace with yourself (if you have to like I do), that you are patient, kind, trusting & feeling grateful for the awesome & strong person you are.

Because you really are.

Yes. You.





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Illness Gratitude

thank you

Since December, I have had the stomach flu, two head colds, the regular flu flu, and currently bilateral knee inflammation.

Good times.

But let’s back up a bit and tell a lil story.

Around my 43rd birthday in early November, I panicked and felt that if I did not begin to reach for my dreams I was going to wake up in twenty years and not have accomplished any of my goals.

So I embarked on a P-L-A-N.

Isn’t there a quote ‘If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans?’


Well, I am sure someone is laughing because my plan was in vain.

But it did not start out that way.

I was ON IT.

I picked a date to ‘launch,’ I was creating, excited, waking up early every morning, intending and focusing on service.

Doing all the right things….so I thought.

Then I got sick with the stomach flu. No big deal as we know, the flu virus is crazy this year and I have little kids and we all passed it around. It look way longer to recover and even longer to get back on track with my ‘plan.’

Then I got a head cold. And then another one.

THEN the regular flu (fever, aches, chills, fatigue).

So now it is mid January and I am WAY behind schedule.

I begin to think about a lot of things.

First, I do not get sick very often. If I do it is quick and fairly painless. This was very out of the ordinary for me and I know that this was a out of the ordinary year for the flu, but still. This didn’t seem right.

I began to think maybe this was my body’s way of saying things were off all around. I do not have a very stressful life (by design) but I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to move forward with my business. I was worrying about money a lot. I was looking at my deadline and feeling overwhelmed and a lil crazy town. I knew there was more to begin sick than just being physically ill.

THEN last week, both my knees blew up. I have a history of knee inflammation since I got a virus as a child but this was ENOUGH!

Message received loud and clear.

I was not paying attention to what I needed to do, I was stretching myself to far and not being true to my own rhythms and needs.

So my physical body decided to made it impossible for me to move forward in the way that I was.

For the last few weeks I have slowed down and decided to take my time. I have decided to move forward with things but much MUCH more slowly. I had big visions and while they will for sure be revisited but not yet. I am focusing on one or two things (instead of four like I had planned) and seeing where it all goes. With intention and focus but treading much more lightly and not being overly attached to outcome, to deadlines, to anything really.

So THANK YOU influenza virus of 2012/2013.

Thank you.

I am eternally grateful for being forced to slow down (even if it was just slowing my own crazy mind down). Grateful that I was forced to rethink my ‘plan.’

I am grateful that I am not giving up. I know my ‘plan’ was rich with good good stuff to share and do. But I am going to move forward in smaller chunks. Less pressure. More presence and joy. It wasn’t all easy. Being sick blows. Being forced to look at your crap blows even more. Tears flowed, pillows were punched, heavy sighs exhaled.

But in the end I am grateful that I got to deal with all of this. It gave me clarity and helped me realize what was important.

Agh, much better.

Have you ever had a similar experience where you were forced to slow down and regroup?

Tell us in the comments below.